The Bhaiya Letters: Kaidi number 4702

My Dear Ammaji,

Finally after shedding lot of sweat, and making hole in the sole of my Bata chappal,  I am sending to you the Puja greetings enclosed in this letter. In these days of email -shemale, the post office in Bangaluru is taking on appearance of dodo, that dead bird of British Raj.  It took me damn long time searching for post office asking this one and that, but finally it is located like needle in the haystack. Last time my Uncle Bholanath found needle in haystack by sitting down on it and he caused awful commotion and much consternation and I am thinking that you remember well this incident.

Accept my respectful pranam and I am hoping you are in the pink of health after you have survived the pink eye condition. I am just coming from Chennai where many Madrasi ladies are going around with pink eyes, not because of the conjunctivitis, but because of conjunctions in the stars. Dusky Dravidian damsels are pink eyed because of weeping copiously over the misfortunes of their world famous Ammaji. One day Ammaji is the queen of Tamil Nadu, and next day she is cooling her high heels behind the bars of Parapanna  jail. So sad, because this Ammaji is heaping so much of happiness on heads of faithful followers: Sometimes free television, sometimes free cycle, one rupee kilo rice, and many others things free she is giving every time election is rounding the corner. Poor lady, she is only keeping one rupee of salary for herself, not like our netas in Bihar who are eating the fodder and keeping the cows in the air-conditioning! But who can ward off evil eye of green eyed jealousy monster from rival party who is doing much jadoo-tona and so putting corruption case against this Ammaji! (This Ammaji is looking so sweetly smiling from her poster not like sour-faced and pouting Didiji who only mutters ‘cholbe na!’. I am eyeing the  smiling face and I am thinking: How can judge be so stone hearted to send her to the grinding stone where she will make attafrom chakki for four years!)

Oh what a brave lady! For fourteen long years this damsel warded off the evil eye, with army of pundits, jyotishis, lawyers, liars, new shoes, and other worthy items. The fellow responsible for making the madras ladies teary eyed is called Subramaniam Swamy who has been eyeballing a political plum. Now in Chennai all the people in Ammaji’s party are warily eyeing one another while they are waiting to know who Ammaji has her eye on. But I hear that Ammaji’s eyes were occupied staring at the four walls of her single cell. They are calling her Kaidi number 4702!

This Ammaji is the female Lalooji of Tamil Nadu, mind it! I am sure you are remembering how our dear Lalooji also finally went behind the bars? This is kali-yug. They are acting like Raja Kans , but can prison keep the Raja of the Yadavs inside?  The bars bent just like butter and let out our makhan chor who is now moving with rosy cheeks hither and thither all over Bihar!

I hope this letter reaches you in good condition. Bengaluru is getting rather soggy, and it is not the winter monsoon. The babu at the post office counter is wetting the stamp with his tears. Not because of the Madrasi Ammaji. His eyes are leaking like a chai-chalni. He is getting this emotional because I am paying for postage stamp and he hasn’t sold a single one in the past six months.

With salutations and laying my weary head at your lotus feet,

Your very own

B.I. Hari ; Traveller at large.